Recently, you have voiced legitimate grumblings about my commitment to our "arrangement". I have been pouty, complacent, and have not had my head in the game...for lack of a better description.
I tracked my libido last month - which was a bit off, so the tracking was really of little help. And given our busy calendar this month, I have failed to give the issue as much thought as it deserves.
I know I can be moody, obstinate, stubborn, and inconsistent when it comes to just about everything. I apologize for that, though I really have no choice but to learn to work within the parameters which I have been delegated. This is not an excuse.
You are a patient husband, lover, and friend. But above that, you are a patient...maybe too patient... "Daddy". I will be honest: I have not been feeling my "role" lately.
I am not sure why that is, but I am devoting my thoughts to it this week. You offer me, intermittently, an end to it, if I so choose, but I do not think this is a choice I am considering - or even a possibility for us.
For the majority of my autonomous life, I have fought to be seen as an equal in all regards. And though I am equal in many ways with you, we both know there are circumstances in which you must always lead. We have added rules and rituals to cement those roles and expectations for both of us. But I am afraid we still both lose our way from time to time.
There is a part of me that feels I should take the majority of the blame for this. But, quite honestly, we are both active participants in this relationship, and I sometimes feel that the onus for keeping us both in our place falls to me. I lose sight of my expectations because I am allowed to. I put my feet down and refuse to play because you let me. I pout and let the child in me take over because I can.
Let me be clear, however; I am not ridiculing your ability to lead me.
We are building roles no one else has ever filled in quite the way we do and will. We design them with each decision we do or do not make. And for us, even without defined roles, we have always been Daddy and his princess. Since the beginning.
Yes, I am a bit spoiled. Yes, you are bit permissive. But, at no time have I questioned your authority or place as my lead.
Maybe we do not need clearly defined roles in quite the way we think we do.
I am forgetful. But, be assured, I never forget my place.
I choose to submit. It is a subtle submission...as yours is a sometimes subtle dominance.