Truly, as I have promised in person, I can think of nothing that you do not already know...unless it is something that I do not as yet know myself. I must admit that I learn things about myself through you...through our experiences. And so I try to I understand these things, and thus my own feelings about them, and then explain them to you at or near the time of occurrence.
This isn't to say "there is nothing new under the sun"...it is just that it has yet to be uncovered. And how do I know that it is there, if you do not uncover it? You are the archaeologist, and I am the site you so carefully and lovingly explore, tiny piece by tiny piece.
Truly, this is what is most appealing, and necessary about you leading and me following. Naturally, I lean the way that you pull me. I may resist, I may give in, and I may be furious about it, but it is how our world works.
Some others may find our relationship archaic -- Your role of strong, protective, loving patriarch...mine the role of the traditional (though updated) wife, striving to please and care for her husband's needs...choosing to be dominated sexually, even while holding an autonomous role in so many other capacities.
The more you take control, the more I respect you...the more I adore and desire you. Your masculinity is simply punctuated by your loving demands. You smile when you instruct me, because you do it with love. The smile is not a weakness. In fact, the smile assures me that you mean business. Phrases such as "I didn't tell you to do that" and "You will" are sure reminders that you are in control of my every move at times. And though I may laugh in nervous discomfort, I strive to correct any displeasure and to obey your commands. Is it odd then to feel that we are equal...and yet that you are so much more powerful than I am? Is it strange to believe that my submission is a gift? That your dominance is a necessity to my own growth? That your "taking control" provides a stability to my world that allows me to risk and play and live up your challenges. Even when your demands make me feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and exposed I know that I want them and that I need them to feel safe.
The more you push me, the more I relish your challenges. And our naming it, labeling it, is simply that...a name...a label...for something that has really always been there - our greatest strength in love is that we find and fulfill each others needs as they arise and change over time.
From the beginning, you have seen in me so many things that I could never have seen for myself. You have forced the bloom in captivity...and thus it is stronger and more beautiful.
Maybe it is wrong to find ones courage in someone else. Dangerous even. But the person that I am today is so enmeshed with who you are, that I'm not sure how this person would exist if I were stripped from you. Actually, I'm sure that I could not survive as I am on my own. That is not to say that I would not survive, mind you. I am strong and capable, which is why you respect me. But, I believe this is the nature of love and of living in such close proximity in such an intimate way...that we exist through and with and for each other. That we become dependent...symbiotic.
Each day, I am more "yours" than I was the day before...more entrenched in this thing that we call "us". Each day, I breathe you in...my very physiology adapting to a certain type of existence. I evolve in your arms and out of them. I evolve because of your demands and because of my sometimes infuriating need to fulfill them.
This is hardly sentimentality. This is not romantic. What we have is like bread and water and air. Though rare and valuable, love is not a luxury.
Ever yours,
Brigit
