Anyhow...you gave me a prompt yesterday morning...relating to recent events, in which I was a little too sterotypically "female" and assumed you could or should read my mind when it came to wanting you. My pouting over not getting what I wanted, when I wasn't forthright in requesting it, was unfair...and counterproductive. As you worked away in the garage all night, blissfully oblivious, I was stewing on the couch because I wanted sex but was too damn "whatever" to come down and ask for it. I guess some part of me wanted you to just know it and take care of it.
This of course led to my being childish over my masturbation requirement. Since I am supposed to orgasm every day - by my own hand or yours...or someone else's - I should have either asked you to take care of it...or I should have requested permission - per the rules. Instead, I said nothing and avoided it altogether.
So the punishment was well-deserved.
And so was the admonition that I ask for what I want and need. That I not assume you will know, and that I not be shy about requesting these things. (Actually, I appreciate you willingness to call me on my bullshit and hold my feet to the fire. Holding me accountable for things I should or shouldn't do is part of your responsibility as my Daddy.)
Then came the prompt: What is my perception of what you want from me or need from me. If I were to pretend I was you, what would I expect from me?
That led me to consider a few questions as preparation:
1) What does Daddy wish I would do that I don't do [enough]?
2) What does Daddy wish I would not do that I do?
I clearly struggle with the difference between needs and wants, but I am going to attempt to fashion a response (from my perception of your point of view) to each of these questions.
What do you wish I wouldn't do? I'm pretty sure you wish I weren't so moody or that I didn't have such a lunar libido. Unfortunately, there is little I can do about that - and I think you know that. So even though it irritates you, I don't think you hold it against me. I'm sure you wish I were less jealous and more open to allowing you access to other women, knowing that I cannot and will not be replaced just because you play with someone else.
What do you wish I would do? I suppose you wish I were more adventurous, more open to new experiences, less averse to change. I think you would like me to take more of an active role in "creating" our sex life and "arranging" sexual experiences, rather than expecting you to take care of that all the time. You've brought up adding a related rule to the list - that I seek and set up and "play date" every once in awhile, so that isn't always on your shoulders.
I know that you wish I would show that I want you more openly and more often...to text you and call you during the day - even though I'm not very good about those things. You'd like me to be creative and do little things that show I appreciate you more often. And you wish I would trust you implicitly...with everything.
I'm not saying that I don't do any of this stuff...ever...I just think you'd prefer it if I stepped it up.
We have a good and equal marriage. There really is nothing wrong with it. We have a great sex life, we're honest with each other. We're best friends and we share everything. There is a huge amount of trust between us - but I am working on growing my trust for you in ways that have been problematic for us (mainly centering around my jealousy issues with other women...especially single women). I am also working on the whole "texting-calling-doing little things for you to make you feel appreciated" thing. I have a long way to go in that arena, I know. You aren't the only one in my life who suffers from my inadequacies in that department.
As for setting up play dates...well, honestly, I think the reason it usually falls on you is that you are more interested in it. You seem to want more variety in your sex life that I need, and this has caused some heated conversations before. Don't get me wrong...if the fit is right and the stars align, I love a good roll in the hay with another couple. But, I don't actively seek it. I know that you want me to. But, you need to know that if I do...it will be more to make you happy than to fulfill my own desires. And that's okay. I'm uncomfortable contacting strangers - but I realize that pushing me outside of my comfort zone is part of the point with this. So I get it. And I'll do what I can.
So, in summary...
You want more trust from me, less jealousy, more adventure, more obvious desire. You want me to step out of my comfort zone and do things I don't necessarily want to do...to show you how much I trust and adore you. You want me to be more expressive of my love and desire for you.
How am I doing so far?
