So here's the thing...

I know you want to have new experiences with new people.  I'm not against that.  But....and here's the BIG BUT (and not the kind we enjoy) I said when we spoke on the phone - I'm really not interested in another series of unending disappointments - guys who come too quickly, guys who just want an epically long blow job, guys who can't focus cause their mind is on other more fucked up things, guys with too much drama, women I'm not attracted to...

And I know you've asked me to go out and "choose" something...find something for us that I like.  But, the things is...I just don't really want it bad enough to do that.

I feel bad.  Because I know you want me to want it as much as you do.  But, I don't.  And I'm not likely to.  To me - it's just an optional cherry on top of an already wonderfully large banana split.  I already have a fabulous sex life with a man who knows how to satisfy me 99.999...% of the time.  I have no need to supplement an no desire to seek excess.  If the cherry drops in my lap - you're damn right I'm going to eat it.  But, I'm not the kind of person who puts them on my shopping list.  They aren't really my favorite fruit.

I'm not saying I don't want to go to meet and greets in the future...or parties...or clubs...and I'm okay with perusing ads on occasion.

I don't trust craigslist - it feels creepy and weird to me to search for people there or make an ad to leave there.  Too much of what I see on there is pathetic - I don't want to throw my net into a sea of toxic fish - just to see if maybe one comes back without two heads.

As for SLS and AFF and FetLife?  Well, okay - but I spend so much time online already working on my blogs.  Searching those sites just adds on one more obligation.  And when it feels like an obligation, it isn't fun.

I know the likelihood of meeting other couples is not very high if we don't jump through these hoops, but having to jump through them makes it that much less appealing.

Like I have stated before - if it happens organically - I'm all for it.  I just don't like to make a huge effort to find it.  Maybe I'll change my mind.  But right now - the disappointment level is just too high for me to have hope.  I suppose it could return.

Here's the kicker...the fact that I'm "just not that into it" makes me feel extremely I'm disappointing you.  But, I just can't fake it.  It isn't fun for me.  I go along with it - though I feel, to some degree, that you are disregarding my discomfort to some degree in the hope that I will come around.

This happened with A.  The "not fully listening" to the things I'm saying.  I guess I should be more direct.  But, when I am - when I come right out and say, "I don't want to do this," your face makes my insides deflate.  I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.