My your request...

So you asked me about my fears.

Not only is it a good questions, a necessary question...but it's also a hard question.

First...speed. You tend to get all crazy and move too fast (for me) any time we try anything sexual. You're very're all in - head first...ready to try it all. Me...we'll let's just say, I'm so far at the opposite side of the field it's shameful. Of course, you promise you'd never put me in a situation that I wasn't ready for, but how will you really know? Especially, if it's a "surprise"? And especially if you think you're doing the right thing and stretching me beyond what I think I'm ready for...but actually am ready for?

And if we move that far will you take me? Because your crazy ideas on top of the other. When will I find myself in an alley being gang-banged by 7 guys for your enjoyment because you feel you're broadening my horizons and challenging me to "try new things"? Okay...that's really not likely - but it gets to my point. You find a limit of mine and then set about pushing it...stretching my sexual mind to the brink...expanding my notions of the possible. That can be good...but it can also be terrifying for me.

And, since you often bring up the addition of other men to the bedroom, I'm afraid of more disappointment, just to please you. I'm afraid of having to "fake it" just to make you happy. Maybe they need to be screened better? Maybe there needs to be more expectation of what they are being asked to do? I don't know, but - I'm just soooooo over having other men involved because they just make me sad. I don't look forward to it anymore. I dread it.


What if I'm not in the mood? Because it's possible. We've been there. Times when I just want to fucking be left alone, and you're randy...and now you have the theoretical "go ahead" to do whatever, whenever, whether I like it or not? Yes, we've talked about the "rape factor." It's a touchy concept...does current refusal override past consent? Some might say, only in a scene...but what if our whole life is the scene? Hmmm... And what if, subconsciously, I'm pushing you to it? Because it forces you to use your power to the fullest. And I need to see you that way...(a whole different question, I guess...what kind of Dom do I really want/need you to be?)


Failure. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep it up, that I'll be a disappointment. That my jealousy, fear of change, and lack of sexual desire might just cave the whole damned thing in. I'm afraid of not measuring up, which is crazy...because it's not like I'm being compared to anything - and a mark for success hasn't been set. There is no "winning," so my weird competitive tendencies are for naught in this situation.

I'm afraid I might also be afraid of your failure. Of your not being the sort of Daddy I want or need. Of your not understanding me. As we become this deeper version of who we are, will we still be compatible? Or will we disappoint each other?

For some stupid reason, I'm still insecure. It's stupid. I know you are devoted and adore me and put no one else above me. But, I get jealous quite easily...especially if she's prettier...younger...or just plain "more willing to do everything you want." I worry that you will find someone whom you find "perfect." That girl who is so sexually adventurous and fun that you just can't resist her. And the saddest part is that I'm not at all afraid you would leave me for her. I'm afraid you would simply be terribly sad that you couldn't have that with me. And that you would be disappointed...depressed...or try to mold me into that (even unconsciously). I don't like to be compared to other women. And, truth be told, I don't tend to like them much, period.

So...fear of competition, I guess.

And finally (?),

I think I'm always a little afraid of what I'll find out about myself. I'm afraid of feeling ashamed of my own desires. I'm afraid of feeling ashamed of liking something my brain (or social upbringing) says I shouldn't. I'm afraid of learning my own secrets and feeling deviant or dirty about them. I'm afraid of feeling like I'm hiding out in Daddy's arms because no one else would accept me this way. I'm afraid of you having that much power...being not only a safe harbor...but the only harbor who could possibly accept this oddly shaped and unwieldy little ship. Of needing you that much...because even though I want to, I know I could never survive losing you if I did.

Maybe you want that power. But, I'm afraid of needing you that much. Both as your princess...and your wife.